I CAN MOONWALK!
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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