8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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