I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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