fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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