Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
