Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize