My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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