hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
