Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
