My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
