I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
