Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
