I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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