I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
