i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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