My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
