I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
