My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Just high enough for therapy.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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