Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
