Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
