I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
