just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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