im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize