In the future we'll all be gay
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
