i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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