That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
