I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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