just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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