So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
dude. I can hear the air.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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