She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
