Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
