I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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