Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
