I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
