I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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