I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
