I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
