I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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