If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
