She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
