I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Thank you for not boning my boss.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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