Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
