There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
