i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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