and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
