WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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