He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
