please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
