finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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