She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
