i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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