yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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