im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
