fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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