After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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