The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Panties = found
Randomize
