Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
