fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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