she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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