I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
