I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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